Tagged! Again.

I know, I know, I know, I’ve been slacking on the running front and on the whole exercise in general front too but I have been very busy carving out my new career as a famous jewellery designer, the pinnacle of which so far has undoubtedly got to be the three and a half hours I spent sat freezing my arse off in a church hall in Chingford on Saturday, having my lovingly handcrafted jewellery blatantly ignored by grannies who passed by my stall without giving it a second glance. Bah. But my luck changed later that evening when I got my first “proper” (i.e. not from anyone I know) online order. Woo hoo.

But it was back down to earth today and time to leave being a famous jewellery designer to the side while I got back to my day job as a legal secretary and I went to the gym and went on the treadmill for 15 minutes, so there you go, I’m back in action. Sort of.

And while I’m on the treadmill, because the evil warriorwoman has tagged me again and try as I might, I can’t ignore it, I’m trying to think of five random facts about me which may be vaguely interesting and I’m not coming up with much; not anything I want to share with the whole world anyway. But here we are, five random facts about me:

1.  I was the Essex under-5s chess champion, winning a trophy made out of tin foil, which I won by beating my opponent with a sneaky 3-move checkmate that I’d got out of a book in the library.

2.  I have two birth certificates, an English one and an American one. This has resulted in a marriage proposal from a friend wanting to go to America to live. I declined.

3.  I used to be a goth. And have the photos to prove it.

4.  I’m crap at chess now.

5.  I’m not a goth anymore.

See, I told you I couldn’t think of five interesting things.  And now, hurrah, I get to tag five other people.  And today’s nominations go to:

Emily – because it’s about time we had the views of a non-runner type.

Kate – to get in touch with my inner American

Rae – see above

Joggerblogger – because I think he wimped out last time after Londonjogger tagged him

The Red Bucket – because anyone who likes peanut butter and salad sandwiches must have some randomness to share

And lastly, the rules:

• link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog
• share 5 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird
• tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs
• let them know they are TAGGED by leaving a comment on their blog.

Stats:
Treadmill: 15 minutes / 8.5kph
Rowing machine: 10 minutes
Tags: 1

Saturday shuffle

My half-marathon training schedule was adhered to last week in a not adhered to at all kind of way due to lying on Facebook about going out for a run on Monday (but I think it’s ok to lie on Facebook, it’s only if you lie on your blog you’re in trouble) and choosing to stay in and make jewellery instead; Tuesday I had to go to the agency after work to be spoon fed lines to say at Wednesday’s interview but I did go to the gym at lunchtime; Wednesday’s interview after work didn’t happen because of the HR woman being off sick but because I hadn’t planned to run, I didn’t; Thursday night I was out watching  bands in Camden at the Dublin Castle; and Friday I went to the gym at lunchtime.

So here we are again on Saturday and I wake up knackered but remember that I can’t fit into the patchwork cords I bought in Camden on Thursday and think I won’t ever fit into them if I lie in bed all day and I wonder if I can lose enough weight to fit into them in two weeks and I think probably not but I get up anyway and go downstairs and the bread machine bleeps to signal it’s finished doing its breadmaking thing and I think I won’t piss about this morning, I’ll just reload my iPod and get out straight away but by the time my iPod’s reloaded and I’ve got changed it’s 8:45 and I think it’s almost as late as it was last Saturday when I went out and I go round the marshes and I’m going so very very very slowly and every step is an effort and I do 5k in a pathetic 36 minutes and I get to the station and my Garmin says I’ve done 3.75 miles and I think hang on a minute, last week when I got here my Garmin said I’d done 4 miles, where’s the .25 miles gone? and I think oh no, it won’t be 5 miles when I get back and I wonder if I can do a lap of the park when I get back and I think no way, I’m knackered and I get to the park and I’ve only done 4.6 miles and I think ok, I’ll do a lap of a park and I go into the park and there’s footballers in there and there’s almost as many footballs as there are footballers and they’re making me nervous and I don’t want a football to come over and trip me up and I think I can’t do a lap of the park, I’m too scared of falling over a football, I’ll have to do a figure of 8 and cut it short and I loop round and I leave the park and I’ve only done 4.8 miles and I think well that will have to be enough and I get home and my Garmin says I’ve done 4.93 miles and I think well that’s near enough 5 miles but next week I have do to 6 miles, eek and I promise to myself that next week I will run 3 times, yeah, right.

Stats
Distance: 4.93 miles
Time: 57:52
Pace: 11:43
Calories: 411
Training schedules adhered to: 0
Job interviews: 0
Music
Devo
The Cure
Hole
The Shins
Baby Teeth

A forgetful day

Yesterday I was going to go for a run after work but I forgot and I also forgot that I was going to make pizza last night although I’d been to Sainsburys to buy pizza making provisions and so I went to the gym today at lunchtime and when I got to the changing room I realised I’d forgotten my trainers which is really dumb as they live on the floor under my desk where I put my rucksack and so I went back to work and thought I’ll do a run tonight and then the electricians came to do some electrician thing to my computer and other electrical appliances and I thought what shall I do while they’re doing their electrician thing? and I thought I know, I’ll go for a cigarette, and then I thought oh but I don’t smoke anymore, how could I forget? and the agency rings me with news of the media firm who they sent my cv over to and says they want to see you and I think hooray and wonder if she’s lying about them giving a 10% bonus each year because agencies lie a lot and the salary they’re offering is only a couple of hundred a year more than I’m getting now and she says she’ll see if they can see me one evening after work and will call me back and later in the afternoon there’s a missed call but no message and I wonder if it’s the agency and my boss lets me go home early and I get on the train and call the agency and say did you phone me, I had a missed call? and she says yes, can you go for an interview on Wednesday at 5? and I say yes, that’s fine and she says can you come and see me on Tuesday after work and I say yes I can be there about 5:30 and she says that’s great and I think I’m going to have to lie to my boss about why I want to leave early although he doesn’t usually ask why but I’m going to have to sneak into the toilets after work and get changed into something smart and hope no one sees me leave the building and I hate the sneaking about but I want a new job although my boss is still pretending to be a normal person but the bimbo in the office next door is still annoying and so a new job would be good I think and I remember I’m going out for a run tonight and I think I can’t really be bothered but then I think this half-marathon’s not going to run itself and although it’s five months away it’s going to take me that long to train and I think but it’s cold and then I think it’s going to be cold every day between now and March and anyway, since when did I mind running in the cold? and I think but I’m bored of the songs on my iPod and I think I can put new songs on my iPod and then the Polyphonic Spree comes on and I think I’ll listen to Polyphonic Spree, they always liven me up and I get home and there’s three packages of jewellery supplies waiting for me along with the Bobby Conn tickets that I’ve been waiting for since August and I think yay, it’s like Christmas every day in this house and I’m still trying to force myself to get outside and run and I go upstairs to put the Polyphonic Spree and Black Wire on my iPod and I get changed and go downstairs and inspect the packages and bollocks, one of them is the wrong stuff but never mind and I say goodbye to the cat and I get out the door and I do my 2.7 mile route but I want to make it 3 miles tonight, although I should be doing 4 but I only have one 4 mile route and I hate it hate it hate it and I need to find a new one and I keep going near my house and I still haven’t done 3 miles so I keep going until I do and I eventually get home and I think that was a nice run, why can’t I just remember how good it is sometimes and then I might have less of a struggle getting out the door and I go upstairs and my internet connection is down and I think bollocks and I phone Virgin Media and there’s a recorded message saying if you live in Walthamstow you might find a disruption to your internet service and I think eek.

Today’s route:

Stats:
Distance: 3.11 miles
Time: 34:47
Pace: 11:10
Calories: 271
Interviews: 1
Internet connections: 0
Music:
Polyphonic Spree
Black Wire

Snap

Because I am a finely tuned athlete and not a finely tuned pisshead I go to the gym at lunchtime and while I’m getting changed my bra strap snaps and I think shit I hope it’s just come apart and hasn’t broken and I investigate and bollocks it’s broken and I think what am I going to do? I can’t wear my sports one after a workout, it’ll be completely minging and I think I’ll have to ask at reception if they have a safety pin and I think I’ll worry about it later and I go into the gym and I can’t see any empty treadmills then I find one at the end of a row and I get on it and realise I’m right in front of a mirror that hasn’t got any televisions obstructing it and I have a clear view of myself on the treadmill which I could really do without but at least now I know my newly dyed red hair doesn’t really go with a green t-shirt and while I’m on the treadmill there’s a girl sitting on a weights machine reading the paper and not actually doing any weights, but just sitting there reading and I think what the fuck? don’t just sit there and read, this is a gym, not a library and one of my laces comes undone and I think why does one of my laces come undone at least once everyday and 99.9% of the time it’s the right one and I do 20 minutes on the treadmill and decide to go back to work and I go up to the girl on reception and ask her if she has a safety pin and she says no, sorry, we don’t have any, is it for something specific? and I say my bra strap broke and she says oh dear, how about an elastic band? and I say I don’t think that’ll work and she says how about a staple? and I say oh, that might work, thanks, and she gets out a stapler and I think what are people going to think if they see me in the changing room stapling a bra and I think they’ll think I’m a nutter and I say it’s ok, I’ll just wear it strapless until I get to work and get a safety pin and she says if I’m sure and sorry she can’t be more help and I go back to the changing room and decide to try it with one strap and it’s ok and I go back to work and Tracey sends me an email saying did I know I can get a sports tracker for my Nokia N95 and I say no, what’s that? and she says it tells you your speed and distance and logs it in a diary and I say I want it, where do I get it from? and she says go to downloads on your phone and get it but downloads doesn’t work on my phone and I investigate on the internet and find it here. Yay. And when I get home I download it and upload it to my phone and now I have a new toy to play with, yippee. In fact, I will probably have to go for a run tomorrow night just to test it.

Stats:
Treadmill: 20 minutes /8.5kph
Bra straps breaking: 1
New software for my N95: 1

Thank f**k it’s nearly Friday

As my blog is the only active blog on the internet, I thought I’d better get active although I have quietly been being active since Friday when I went to the gym, and also went to the gym on Monday and Tuesday and I decided to try and exercise some damage limitation after last night’s vodka, lager, wine and Lebanese food and went to the gym at lunchtime today after an annoying morning which started off with my iPod annoying me by running out of charge on the way to work which meant I wasn’t protected from the noise of the world which included a girl saying “fantastic” to whoever she was talking to on her mobile and then the woman at amazon credit card annoyed me by trying to sell me card protection and other protection when all I wanted to do was activate my new credit card which gives me the not very impressive loyalty bonus of a £15 voucher when I’ve spent £1,500 and so I went to the gym and on the way to the gym there was a man saying “fantastic” to whoever he was talking to on his mobile and I think why is everyone saying “fantastic” today? and I get to the gym and there’s a sign saying anyone not wearing an item of pink has to pay £2 to enter the gym and I think oh no, I’m probably not wearing pink and I look at what I’m wearing and I’m wearing black Converse, black trousers, a black t-shirt and a black hooded top and I think hmmm, not much pink there then but I manage to get in without paying a £2 no pink clothing penalty and get to the changing room and remember that my rucksack is pink and think hurrah, saved by my rucksack and I go into the gym without my iPod as it has no charge but take my headphones and decide to watch an antiques programme which has an annoying bloke presenting it and then a woman gets on the treadmill next to me and she starts singing or humming or mumbling or something fucking annoying anyway and so I get off the treadmill as the dirty looks I’m throwing her way aren’t giving her the hint of will you please shut the fuck up and I go on the rowing machine and then the bike and and I decide to watch the news and there’s a little girl in China whose dad makes her run from 3am ’til the sun comes up then he makes her go to the track and there’s another girl who trains in the sea with her arms and legs tied up and I’m glad I’m not a finely tuned Chinese athlete as I don’t think I’d like to be in the sea with my arms and legs tied up and I decide to go back to work in case my boss comes back early although he wouldn’t be annoyed if I was late as he is still on his best behaviour since I handed in my notice and then unhanded in my notice and it’s been a week and I wonder if his tongue is very sore with him having bitten it for a week and I go past the bookshop and think if I’m doing a creative writing course in the new year I should probably read a book as I haven’t read anything except web design, running and jewellery making magazines and books since fuck knows when and I buy a couple of novels and get back to the office where the idiots in the office next door proceed to talk absolute crap all day and by the end of the day I’m seriously considering emailing them asking them if they can keep their door shut and then I go and get on the train and the carriage is empty because the train has just come and a girl gets on and sits next to me and I think what the fuck? the carriage is empty, go and sit somewhere else, although I know the carriage will fill up and I won’t get seats to myself but I’m pissed off and then another girl gets on and she’s talking really loudly on her mobile and another girl gets on and sits opposite me and she’s talking on her mobile too and I think I’m losing the will to live and then the girl next to me starts eating and I think don’t eat on the train you peasant, it stinks and you’re going to get crumbs everywhere and then she starts playing a game on her mobile and she hasn’t got the tones turned off and I spy a row of empty seats so I go and nab the window seat and get away from the annoying people with phones and food and then another girl gets on and she’s eating McDonald’s and I think what the fuck? don’t you know that stinks and then I’m reminded that I have to start a Facebook group called Equal Rights for Veggies at Christmas due to me receiving the office party menu today which gives meat eaters turkey, traditional trimmings, vegetables and potatotes, whilst us veggies get a fucking risotto and why can’t we have vegetables and potatoes instead of a bowl of rice? and what about vegans? vegetables and potatoes are vegan, risotto isn’t and I’m not vegan and I’m not going to the party anyway but that’s not the point and then a woman sits next to me on the train and she’s on her mobile and I think for fucks sake is there anyone on this train not on their mobile? and she finishes her call and gets her newspaper out and starts flick flick flicking through it and I think just read the god damn paper and stop flick flick flicking and then the train goes past the marshes and the sun’s going down and I think bloody hell, it’s only ten to six, it’s getting dark already and then I come out of the station and there’s two men shouting at each other and it’s really annoying and I wonder how many other people are going to manage to annoy me in the five minutes I have left until I get home and I go to the shop and manage to leave there without getting annoyed but the annoying foreign people are standing on the corner making the place look untidy as usual and I eventually make it home without killing anyone.

Stats
Treadmill: 10 minutes
Rowing machine: 10 minutes
Bike: 10 minutes
Annoying people: far too many to count

Girlflu

And you lot thought I’d been slacking this week? No, not me, I had a bit of a sniffle girlflu but because I am a hardcore finely tuned athlete, I have attempted to run a bit this week, although Thursday and Friday’s efforts couldn’t really be called efforts as Thursday’s effort consisted of a mile with two walking breaks and Friday’s effort was similarly feeble with 20 minutes on the treadmill with two walking breaks.

But today I got up early early early after my extremely riveting dream about making bread to rectify this pitiful situation and not because I’m expecting delivery of a new shiny 22″ monitor, oh no. I got up early early early and went over the park and round the sports field and did, um, a mile. But it was a mile with no walking breaks this time, which isn’t bad for a girl with girlflu.

And now I am awaiting delivery of my nice new shiny 22″ monitor although I did seem to confuse amazon so I hope it does turn up, I’m even going to tidy the spare room so it doesn’t think it’s new home is owned by a scruff. Which of course it isn’t, as obviously this is the home of a domestic goddess. Only a domestic goddess would dream about making bread.

Stats:

Today
Distance: 1.37 miles
Time: 14:31
Pace: 10:38
Calories: 126
Music
Courtney Love
The Prodigy
Hole

Friday
Treadmill:
Distance: 1.65 miles
Time: 20:00
Pace: 12:08
Calories: 158

Thursday
Distance: 1.32 miles
Time: 14:55
Pace: 11:17
Calories: 114

Five minute wonder

I have next week marked down as a healthy week which means no going out boozing and going to the gym every day but thought as my boss was off today I’d take advantage and have an extended lunch hour and go and see if the gym was still in its usual place and it was so I went in and had been on the cross-trainer for about 3 minutes when a man approached me and so I stopped and turned my iPod off and took my earphones out and I saw he was a personal trainer and he said can I ask you a few questions and so I thought well my boss isn’t in, I’m not in a huge rush and so I said ok then and he said have you ever used a personal trainer and I said no and he said do you ever use the weights and I said no and he said would you like to and I said no and he said would you like a personal trainer and I said no and I thought I’m getting bored now and this is my lunch break so I said I’m happy doing my own thing and can I get on please, I’m on my lunch hour and he said I just want to ask you a few more questions and I said sorry I haven’t got time and he said it won’t take long so I blanked him and put my earphones back in and turned my iPod back on and he eventually fucked off and I thought WHAT THE FUCK, I’m on my lunch hour, don’t come over here giving me the hard sell and I realise I’m actually pretty pissed off and think I’m going to complain and I think I’ll do it by email as I’m not assertive enough to complain at reception and it’s not the receptionist’s fault anyway and I don’t want to fuck about asking to speak to a manager so I just carry on and then Kate Nash starts singing Dickhead which pisses me off too for its complete ungrammaticalness (yes I know I just made up a word) and so I skip that track and I think it’s not fair, I wasn’t pissed off when I came in here and now I am and I go over to the rowing machines and there’s two girls on them talking and I think oh no don’t be talking that’s really annoying and so I push my earphones in deeper into my ears and turn my iPod up so I can’t hear them and then I go on the bike and then I’m wondering if my leg will take a minute or two on the treadmill but I don’t want to have to get on and get off immediately if I can’t even do one step but the gym’s quite quiet and there’s a row of empty treadmills so I get on one and I do a painless five minutes and then I’m not pissed off anymore but very happy indeed and I skip back to the office, well ok then, I didn’t skip as that would look fucking ridiculous but I’m skipping in my head and when I get back to work someone has left two cakes on my desk, yay.

Stats
Cross-trainer: 20 minutes
Rowing machine: 15 minutes
Bike: 15 minutes
Treadmills: 5 minutes
Personal trainers pissing me off: 1
Cakes: 2

Lardathon Day #30

It’s the penultimate day of the Lardathon and although I somehow managed to spend most of the month being heavier than I started, today my scales were kind to me and said I was 2 lbs lighter so all I need to do now is not eat anything until Wednesday and I should be ok. Except I won’t be ok, I’ll be hungry, so that’s probably not going to happen.

It was my first day back at work after a week off and I get in, turn on my computer and do my usual morning routine of checking my personal email on the web but what the fuck? they’ve gone and blocked my webmail. It took them long enough to suss it though as they’d blocked all the usual suspects about a year ago but I found a cool website that lets you check any email account. But now I can’t use it anymore. Bastards.

I decide to go to the gym after work for an hour but after 15 minutes on the cross-trainer, my iPod battery runs out and I decide that I can’t stay without my iPod so I wimp out after 20 minutes and get the train and make smiley templates on my mobile because my posh new mobile has no smilies on it which I think is a total con but now I have smilies again, yay.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 3
Breakfast: Yoghurt with muesli and berries
Snack: 2 x plum / 1 x pear / 1 x peach
Lunch: Quorn sausage and green chili sandwich / 1 x pear / 1 x peach
Dinner: Lentil shepherd’s pie with cheesy sweet potato mash / peas, carrots, green beans
Gym:
Cross-trainer: 20 minutes

Lardathon Day #26

I take the meaning of procrastination to new heights this morning and three hours after first thinking I’ll go to the gym, I finally get my lardy and lazy arse out the door and when I get out of the shop after buying the bus fare, there’s a message from agency number one who says to ring him asap as he has an interview for me this afternoon and I think bollocks, do I go home and go to the interview instead, or shall I go to the gym? and I think I’ll go to the gym, I don’t want to go to an interview today, I’ve got two interviews tomorrow and I am supposed to be on holiday and I get on the peasant wagon and I ring agency number one and he says what are you doing today? and I say I’m going to the gym and he says what are you doing after that? and I say nothing much and he says can you go to an interview at 3.30 and I say no, I’m going to be ages in the gym and then I’ll need to have a shower and wash my hair and stuff and it’ll take too long and can’t I go tomorrow in between the other two interviews and he says no, one of the interviews has had the time changed and there won’t be time but don’t worry, you can go for an interview next week in your lunch hour, the company’s just one minute walk from where you are now and I get to the gym where I struggle through thirty minutes on the cross-trainer and get through a bottle of water in the meantime and I’m wondering if maybe the bottle of wine I had last night has something to do with my weediness and dehydration this morning and I think na, it won’t be the wine, it will be the exertion of walking in high heels yesterday and I think well I’ve paid my £2 on the bus so I might as well stay here for a while and I go on the rowing machine and the mind-numbingly boring bike and then I see the step machine and wonder if I can make it go up and down now unlike last time I tried it and so I give it a try and I manage to do a pitiful five minutes on it but I can barely make it move and after I’ve got changed I see two girls on the step machines and they can make it go up and down fast so I must just be a mega weed and I get outside and I try to run for the bus and OUCH that hurt and I limp onto the bus and then I go home and make myself a toasted sandwich that tastes remarkably like a pizza. But it wasn’t a pizza, honest.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 5
Breakfast: Toast
Lunch: Cheese, tomato, onion, capers and green chili toasted sandwich
Dinner: Thai flavoured mushroom stroganoff with rice / two slices of bread
Other: 2 x pear / 1 x peach / 1 x plum
Gym:
Cross-trainer: 30 minutes
Rowing machine: 30 minutes
Bike: 18 minutes
Step machine: 5 minutes

Lardathon Day #24

In keeping with this week’s Operation Get My Shit Together I braved the peasants on the bus and went to the gym and managed not to walk into the ramp on the way back to the peasant stop this time. Result.

And also in keeping with this week’s Operation Get My Shit Together I have sent my CV off to three agencies, two of which I’m going to register with tomorrow so hopefully I can get away from my pain in the neck boss before he completely does my head in. Knowing full well how amazingly crap I am at interviews, I’m not expecting to get a new job any time soon but merely the fact that I’ve taken steps to do something about it has made me feel better already. Yay.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight : 9 st 5
Breakfast: Toast
Lunch: Cheese, onion and tomato toasty (no it’s not a pizza!)
Dinner: Laksa / nasi goreng /rice noodles
Other: 2 x peach / 2 x plum
Gym:
Cross-trainer: 30 minutes
Rowing machine: 30 minutes
Bike: 15 minutes